Point of Reference.

While I fixate on the idea of just how much emotions influence the behaviour of people, I’ve only lately begun to wonder about what influences my own behaviour. More importantly, what characteristics make up my personality.

Because for a long time I’ve accepted that if emotions dictate much of human behaviour, then ultimately emotions also influence consistent characteristics and traits over time – the patterns of behaviour that make up a persons personality…

Yesterday, I made this post:

“I’ll be what ever you need me to be, as long as I get what I want out of you. Not even that, I’ll simply pretend to be what ever you need. Don’t worry, you won’t know the difference. I’ll barely notice that I’m doing it. I’ll convince both you and I. Because I myself can hardly distinguish between my true personality and the person that I choose to be. 

Emotions regulate and drive behaviour. And so I’ll use yours as a point of reference to determine who I must be. At least for now.

Why yours? Because you have my interest. You excite me.

Your emotions will drive your behaviour as it always has, and so I’ll begin mentally mapping your personality from the moment we meet. I won’t know that I am doing it. Naturally, I’ll begin mirroring your personality just enough to make you shine a little brighter. It’ll feel oddly nice. Different. Comfortable and warm. You’ll feel cared for and valued. You’ll feel overwhelmed –  perhaps even love. 

And I may think it’s love too, in fact. I’ll have us believe it. I’ll need to.  Because deep down I know that it’s probably not love, but for me this is as real as it get’s.

And for you my love, this is as fake as it will ever be – you’ll just never know it. I promise”.

You see, It’s viewed as manipulation to most. Exploiting someone’s emotions and feelings for impulsive desires. I’ll carefully craft the perfect representation of your desires and gift it to you. You’ll welcome the trade-off, and so we both indulge in a sense of happiness that is fed to us from the very bond we share.

For me this is a natural progression. Mentally mapping the personalities and environments around me is how I gain a sense of how I must adapt to the situation. If I do not seek to gain from you, then I will blend in to the crowd and mind my own business. You won’t notice me. But what if I want a friendship out of you? Or what if I want more than that? Or maybe even less – maybe I just need you in that particular moment.

Well, then you’ll probably notice me.

If that is the case, then almost instinctively you’ll become a point of reference for how I must proceed. A point of reference which becomes a part of the blueprint to which I form my personality.

And so as I grow and learn more about myself, I have come to understand that I don’t truly hold much of a “true identity”. Once everyone leaves the room, there’s nothing to draw from. To guide me. To drive me.

While I feel emotions drive the behaviour of others, a part of me feels that I am constantly driven by the desire to feel emotions. And so I’m constantly chasing something I’ve never felt before by following the only thing I can feel – basic urges, impulses, and desires. I’ll use my mental map to guide who I must be. You’ll guide who I must be.

That’s the truth. And if I told you the truth you’d call me fake, but for me this is as real as it gets.

EKMO

 

 

 

 

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