Cerberus: Three Minutes of my life.

May, 2015.

Another morning at work. Cleaning. I clean business offices and shops. Exciting right? I work as a contracted cleaner.

EKMO The psychopathic contracted killer? No, EKMO the psychopathic contracted cleaner! Ha!

hah! Clever, see what he did there? Because usually people like you become

Ugh yes I got it. Funny. So anyway, I clean. It isn’t anything exciting as far as jobs go, however it pays my bills while I study.

I’m waiting in my car as usual, waiting for the morning staffers to arrive who open up. I’m always here before them, but I can’t start work until one of the ladies come and open up. Which is okay I guess, I just chill in my car and blast my music.

Stupid selfish bitches used to come in and open at 8 for us though! But then they got lazy! Just makes me want to take a knife and –

They used to come at 8am on Mondays and Thursdays so that we could get in early to clean, remember? Then they got lazy and realised they could come in at 8:30, which still gives them enough time to get ready for their 9am open. However this means we don’t get to finish cleaning before the store opens anymore. People walking all over our wet floors, vacuum cords waiting to trip customers over – it’s a mess. OHS violations all around. Would I be liable if someone tripped over? Hm. It makes our job much more difficult that’s for sure

– slit one of their throats. But fuck it right!? Like I said, selfish whores! The lot of them! 

I don’t think you said whore’s . . .

Who cares, it is what it is. But you have a point I suppose. I watch as one of the women arrive in their car, parking far away from the store before getting out with her handbag. Okay time to go. I get out of my car and open the boot, taking out my cleaning equipment and heading over to the front door to meet Kathy – I watch her slowly make her way from the other end of the car-park.

EKMO EKMO EKMO she’s wearing that same purple headband again. Does she ever change it? Is it permanently attached to her head or what? Blue uniform today. She looks tired. Tinted sunglasses on but not much sun – quite cloudy, is it going to rain today? – is she sick? Hungover? Is she too old to be hungover? How old even is she? She’s one of the younger staff members I think –

She’s the hottest one that’s for sure! My god, makes me just want to pin her down and forcefully –

– 30’s. Late 30’s at worst. One daughter aged 12. Son aged 10 remember? She mentioned her kids 8 months back. She’s youngish, but probably still not a hangover. She’s sick. Coffee in hand as usual. I wonder what she drinks. Oh she drove her other car today, I wonder why? I like this car better, but the other one is newer. It is 8:26.am. 34 minutes until open. Need to start mopping in 24 minutes. So vacuuming needs to be done in at least 21 minutes. That leaves –

Mmmm rape-worthy for sure. My god, we’ll definitely have to masturbate to her later, yes? I’m dying here.

Yeah, I won’t be able to focus on much else if we don’t. Shut up now, both of you. Just shut up. I stand ready at the door thinking about some of the other things I need to do after work finishes. I have assignments to do today.

“Hey Kathy! How are you today?” I say with a charismatic smile as she finally reaches this side of the car park. I’ve always had a great relationship with all the ladies who work here – they all seem to adore me.

“Hey there sweetheart, I’m actually a little sick today . . .

Called it!

That necklace she’s wearing looks expensive. Steal it from her locker later. Remember the time I made you take that money she put in her –

Stealing? Well let’s just consider the odds of getting caught before we begin planning to –

. . . AND! My car wouldn’t start this morning, so I had to take my husband’s old crappy car instead! Such a terrible way start to a Monday morning ugh”.

I react appropriately – addressing her car problems, health issues, and adding a gesture to show care. I display the appropriate facial expressions relevant to the context as we both proceed inside. I sit down my equipment and Kathy begins turning on all the lights to the massive store.

That explains the car thing . Your facial reaction was a bit off. Felt off didn’t it? We’ll work on it. What’s the time now?

Now back to the neck –

“Oh EKMO, darling could you just make sure to thoroughly mop the stains off of the floorboards near the front end of the store – we had a storm over the weekend and had all the customers coming in with muddy feet – it’s a mess”

You can clean the stains off of MY hardwood floor any day, Kathy! HA!

OH snap! Get it? By hardwood floor he really meant –

“Of course of course, that storm was really something wasn’t it!” I say to her while she starts heading to the front desk. I pull out my earphones and plug them into my phone. These earphones mean everything to me. Once they are plugged in they allow me to block away the calculating, manipulating, and evil urges and thoughts which consume me. It’s a nice break –

Why didn’t you make the joke!? That was comedic gold my friend. Absolute gold.

Did you not understand the joke? It was actually quite clever and witty. Hardwood floors as in –

I plug my earphones into my ears and turn the music on.



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