Ego, Biases, and the Human Condition

No one really notices how much of an influence their emotions can be to their behaviours and decision making. As someone with ASPD, it allows a detachment between emotions and my intellectual thinking, which obviously has many downsides, but also allows you to view the world through an unbiased lens. And when I say unbiased, I mean truly unbiased, not at all influenced by emotions on a conscious or a subconscious level. This is a complete freedom from the ego and the overall human condition. Not simply the trait of an open minded person who remains judgement-free.

That’s the other thing I have noticed about the average person – they are almost always biased in every way possible both on a subconscious level and sometimes a seemingly conscious level. It influences their thinking, behaviour, preferences, decisions, everything. You may not view this as the worst thing, but it can truly stunt your overall growth as a human being. I’m sure you can all relate to having someone in our lives who in hindsight was a terrible person to keep in your life. Or that terrible life decision you made a few years ago which you look back at and cringe. Or that bad habit you never used to notice but after years it one day becomes so obvious. Do you ever look back at things like these and think, “Oh god, how was I so oblivious to this at the time?”

Hindsight is an amazing thing, and the way your perspective can change over time is evidence of how biased humans are during any given time. That bias is a representation of how the mind works and adapts to different situations. The biases we form are almost the brains natural way of making sure everything aligns with our overall view of life and our place within it. Our beliefs must align with the information we receive, otherwise we feel a natural internal discomfort. This discomfort doesn’t allow our conscious selves to accept raw information, but a carefully crafted perception. It seems the level of which we distort our perception increases with things that are more meaningful and important to us. This could include personal traits, habits, aspects of your personality, or information regarding people close to you. While the brain may still process all information, it could just be that the communication of information to the conscious mind is where the change takes place.

It seems that the brain associates and connects feelings and emotions to almost all information gathered by it. At the same time, biases which already exist from previously stored information further influence the way we understand new information. These biases may be subconscious and work in a subtle manner. However, when your mind works without the influence of emotions and other feelings, it is very easy to see how information perception is distorted. In fact, it is near impossible to ever be completely unbiased with the way in which we think and act.

It can be extremely difficult, frustrating, and challenging to get along with others when your mind does not function with the same emotional system and biases. It can feel as if everyone around you is partially blinded to the full awareness and reality of life. Almost as if emotions are holding them back from a more enlightened view of the world around us. When your brain does not function in the same way as everyone else, it can feel like a constant state of loneliness. As you see everyone around you live their lives in their own bubble, you can’t help but wish you were stuck inside a bubble too, just so your mind can rest from all the mental processing.

EKMO

29 thoughts on “Ego, Biases, and the Human Condition

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  1. This is another instance where I feel like a very rare bird. While I am a very highly sensitive person, I feel as though I am someone who can accept raw information without bias on an intellectual level when I receive it. My dilemna comes in after I process it on the emotional level. And I do feel as though I can hold both perspectives at the same time, which leaves me feeling very conflicted alot. I wrote a quote that states, “I can think logically, but that doesn’t necessarily make me feel logically.” There often times is a disconnect between my heart and my head, and this is often due to my programming from my complex-ptsd that I can’t seem to escape.

    It is very interesting debating with people though who hold fast to their “beliefs” when they are presented with logic that completely negates their standpoint though. It displays exactly what you are demonstrating here, that their emotional biases skew their intellect.

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    1. With an antisocial mind I Am able to not have this problem like you. I process the emotional level with a complete detachment from any actual sense of emotion. Your struggle would be greater than mine in this regard. I almost feel bad for you. Almost. If mentally feel bad for you, that’s for sure. That sounds like a life-long struggle no one can truly appreciate but yourself.

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      1. So I know that you are able to not feel guilty, remorse or empathy. You are able to detach emotionally from the standpoint of how you approach others. Are you also able to process how others approach you from the same detatched standpoint? Meaning, if someone else who is a cluster b were to set out to hurt you (even though I know you’d be able to see through their manipulations), are you able to not be hurt by others as well?

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      2. I wish I could have that feature but maintain my ability to feel remorse and not be able to hurt others. Now THAT would be a perfect evolutionary process in my humble opinion.

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      3. The thing with man-manufactured evolution is that it’s never about what’s the best option. Natural selection doesn’t discriminate, it just goes with what’s best. systematic section however is full of biases and egos. The only way we will see the “fittest” is if we all decide that’s what is best – which I doubt we will.

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      4. So I know you are not able to feel empathy. Are you able to care for other people or is it more that any feelings you feel towards people are more for a self serving purpose? Do you worry about other people? I’m just curious where the level of emotions is because they always portray people with aspd as cold blooded murderers and serial rapists usually. But in conversing with you I am starting to wonder about someone I know having this as he has never had a correct diagnosis and since you said you think of it like a spectrum, I wonder if he is just on the extremely mild and tame and functional side like you are.

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      5. Sorry, I must have missed this comment! I feel my emotions really aren’t there at all to be honest. I’m actually in to middle about writing as piece about this – it’s all about the fact that antisocials really dont feel ANY emotion other than basic impulses such as anger. I feel empathy is the one that gets the focus because its the obvious one you can see. It impacts others. However, I do not think I feel much happiness, sadness – anything and everything. I feel they are all LEARNT over time. most emotions have a two part process – learnt emotions and innate sensations. You need both, but you can make-do with just one. I honestly have no empathy within myself, however if you were to get to know me you would get a sense that I care about you and that I want what is best for you. That’s because it’s a learnt emotion. the empathy was beat into me via social learning and also by having a very loving and nurturing mother. However you will notice every now and then that I may do something or act or feel in a way which shows complete lack of care. It confuses so many people because I am so ‘caring’ to others. And as much as I do genuinely think and feel as if i care and empathise – i simply dont. its been built into me. And those who have empathy built into them may never ever realise they dont feel empathy. the sensation and the learnt behaviour are so similar that I for almost 24 years I had no idea that my empathy was solely a mental concept – not an innate sensation. Therefore I actually have no “drive” for empathy other than the knowledge of when I should feel empathy. its fake. its manufactured. its me mimicking what it is to me empathetic. BUT that does not mean it’s not real. It feels real to me, so who is anyone to tell me that I ‘fake’ empathy. I hope this makes sense 🙂

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      6. It is a little hard for me to completely grasp in it’s entirety but it does make sense. I think this is very similar to the Asperger’s mimickry as well that I see in my daughter, but not quite as extreme. It seems like perhaps some of those emotions can develop over time in children with Asperger’s if nurtured under the right conditions and that it is more that it is unnatural to them due to the cognitive disability but then once the emotional intelligence catches up to the intelligence level then it somehow can become a more holistic process for them, where for you it never connects.

        So you didn’t know until a year ago then that you had this? I know you speak of originally thinking that everyone had thoughts like you and had to curb them because it was just something that wasn’t discussed at the dinner table. Was there a specific catalyst that made you seek help to get this diagnosis or figure this out on your own? I know you said that no one else that knows you personally knows this about you. You don’t have to answer anything you don’t want to if I ask anything that makes you uncomfortable. I am just trying to pick your brain because you have triggered something in my brain about someone that has been been self medicating with substances since 16 and therefore never got a true diagnosis from a therapist. Originally was told bipolar but no one thinks that quite fits. And while I think I see a good heart there, confused is often how I feel from one minute to the next. And the fact that you said that just gives me more suspicion. If he is, it would be a very mild case, but it would put a TON of things in to perspective. I have also said a lot lately how he never seems to see himself, a trademark of cluster b, and the other cluster b profiles definitely don’t fit, and I never thought of this one because I always thought of this one as only the complete cold blooded mass murderers as are always depicted on tv, as you had alluded to in one of your posts when you started to research it after your diagnosis. I had never realized that there were high functioning aspd’s that could be on the very lower side of the violence scale hanging about in society as well. The fact that you also mention anger as the primary impulse also describes him to a tee. It seems like there’s anger as the driving emotion, or lack of anger which is a depressive anti-social mode where he hibernates from the world. And when he’s high on something is when he feigns happiness. That’s the only time he simulates/seems happy, but it’s always when there’s substances involved. That’s the only way he ever seems to feel any type of elatedness.

        Please forgive my getting so personal. This has been a huge psychological puzzle in my brain for quite some time. And as you can tell, although I am not a therapist, I am highly intrigued by the field and it drives me nuts when I am not able to figure things out in this realm. Especially with people who are close to me. And what you have been saying has really resonated with me.

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      7. No need to apologise at all – I am quite enjoying our discussions actually and am completely open to getting personal. I’m open to any questions you may have about me or my thoughts on anything you want me to discuss 🙂

        Okay so there is a lot to unpack in what you have just said but I will try my best to cover some of the main points.

        1. The Asperger’s mimicry is a perfect way of looking at it – the framework is quite similar, it just works on two different levels I suppose.

        2. I am very similar to this person you speak of. You see, I have substance issues too. In fact my addiction issues are very severe and I am always craving a high as it allows me to ‘feel’. Ive had a massive issue with alcohol in the past, and have had issues with other medications too. Something about that high allows me to explore a sense of emotional worth or some other type of emotional related satisfaction (which isn’t real emotions but it feels a lot more real).

        3. I have to put a lot of effort into feigning happiness in my day-to-day life. I’m usually always depressed other than during these highs (i’m always chasing highs in other ways – it’s like a hunger or a craving or something). The only reason I feign emotions from day-to-day is because it’s appropriate to do so for the sake of family and friends. inside my mind im in a whole other world though – it’s usually quite dark and depressing and it feels disconnected from any sort of emotion.

        4. I believe it’s all on a spectrum which depends mostly on your intellect. I think npd and aspd are both the same just different levels (aspd are more intellectually advanced), and npd is a little less intellgent. But the internal working are the same. high functioning aspd can make for a very clever sociopath (I try not to be but I feel I am this type of aspd). A psychopath is simply a lower functioning antisocial with the combination of harsh environments. other lower functioning antisocials are usually petty theives and criminals. npd is kind of in the middle of the spectrum.

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      8. Thank you so much for entertaining all my questions.

        1) The fact that Asperger’s mimicry is similar would make sense also within this framework would only further my sense that I am on to something about the person of whom I am suspicious of having aspd .Because it is highly suspected that Asperger’s tends to come from the father or father’s side, and it is my husband that I think has aspd. It would also make sense that I was still highly naive to exactly who my NPD father was at the time that I met my husband and that I would go from one cluster b to another. Co-dependance at its finest. Although I am a very strong person in terms of resilience and functionality in the world, especially considering my childhood trauma, it would make sense that even though my dad and my husband seemed completely opposite at the time, somehow, something deep inside must have felt similar. My husband in some ways is much like my birthday who I had never met until a few years ago. But apparently he must also be like my adoptive dad as well, unbeknownst to me. I only started to realize that part in the past couple of years.

        2) This is EXACTLY how he explains it. He says the oxycodone that he’s addicted to makes him feel normal, which he has never felt a day in his life. It was originally alcohol when we first started dating. He dabbled with ecstasy and oxy and Ambien back then but then got addicted to oxy 11 years ago. Takes suboxone in between. He also has issues with Ambien and Xanax at night, not addicted but we go around in circles over that stuff too. Those are his escape from reality, and the oxy is his happiness high.

        3) Also, sounds extremely similar to how he broods and explains how he feels. That was why he was probably diagnosed originally with bipolar because he was depressed when he was on the fake high from alcohol (he got diagnosed before he started the prescription meds).

        4) He is of high intellect, even though he doesnt often display it. He doesn’t utilize even half of what I think he actually is capable of intellectually. Even though both he and my dad think they have the wool pulled over my eyes on so many things, it is only because I allow them to think so. They think they have me manipulated but they don’t. It is only out of fear of taking the risk of changing my entire life that I put up with what I put up with. And also because I was programmed at such a young age to have such a low sense of self esteem that I have always doubted myself and am always scared to speak up. So it takes alot for me to feel convicted enough to finally approach either of them head on because I don’t think fast. So if they come up with something that I am unprepared for in the moment (due to their penchant for manipulation), I don’t fair well in confrontation, even when I do know I am right. It is just that I might not be able to disprove whatever it is they are saying in that given moment and then it makes my entire argument go out the window in a split second.

        It’s been very interesting because my husband always hated my npd dad. And all of a sudden recently since I’ve been figuring out every little detail of my dad’s manipulations, my husband seems to be trying to take my dad’s side and tell me I’m wrong and that my dad isn’t doing all these little things on purpose. And that sent up a huge red flag when I know my husband has been lying like a maniac about a ton of stuff regarding the substances and hiding money etc…That just tells me he’s worried about me being so on to my dad that he’s worried about me seeing right through him too. Because my husband is wholly unaware of exactly how much I know that he hides from me. I could be a private investigator if I wanted to be. He keeps forgetting exactly what I’ve been through with my dad and how untrusting of people I am. And he has given me reason to not trust him a long time ago. And I am not an ignorance is bliss kind of person…..In the same way that both of them fake emotions, I fake manipulation. It is not in my nature, but I have had to learn how to do it for my own mental and physical survival.

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      9. Fascinating! Truly fascinating!
        I’m going to respond to all that after work. (Currently 715am, I’ll be home by 1030am though).

        I just want you to know that if I don’t reply for a while it’s purely because I’m either busy or our time difference may be an issue!

        The fact that it’s your husband only makes me even more interested in hearing all about this. You seem very well educated within the field even though you aren’t exactly trained for it. I definitely think you are hitting some key points in your diagnosis of your husband. Again, I’ll reply to it all in a few hours 🙂

        Fascinating.

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      10. No worries. I completely understand. Right now I have a little more time on my hands because my busier schedule wont kick back in for another week and a half. We’ve been on summer break and school will start again Sept 4 and then I’ll be teaching more again and not be quite as active myself on here either. I have a few online friends in Australia so I get the time zone difference. They always crack me up when they wish me a Happy birthday before it’s my birthday my time. I always get my Australian birthday wishes first 😁 LOL!

        I am glad that you are getting something out of our conversations as well. This has really been helping me. It has always bothered me that I haven’t been able to figure out what his issue is. I mentioned to my stepdaughter that I thought I might have a theory as to what his correct diagnosis is but I didnt want to reveal it right now. And without blinking she immediately said, “Oh God, I hope he’s not a sociopath” and I just stayed quiet and she said, “Your silence says it all. There are tell tale signs everywhere and in everything.” So I’m thinking she is in agreement within a few seconds of my confirming silence before she’s even looked up what the diagnostic symptoms are. She’s 25 like you. She just said last night how she’s scared to be home when he comes home because she doesnt know which version of him she will be faced with, the easy to anger version, the drugged up Xanax weirdo version, the happy oxy version or the depressed empty Suboxone or withdrawl version. She’s scared of him.

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      11. I actually feel quite invested in your story – even though I have only known you a week at most. Knowing that your daughter is 25 really makes me feel connected to this (lol as connected as I CAN feel). Both you and your daughter and develop and live very happily however – and I want you to realise this! Knowledge is SUCH a great tool. Simply understanding and knowing how underlying processes are taking place within your family dynamics can really help you live a better life. I would very much love to help the two of you throughout this journey of understanding 🙂 I’ll be here for as much or as little as you’d like. I feel as someone who can understand this disorder from the inside out I am in a unique position of being able to help people such as you, and your daughter – which is one of the MAIN reasons I have made this page. The other reason for this blog is to help my professional career in the future and to connect with the right people. I really want to further research in the field of personality disorders.

        Now, back to our situation! lol.

        Honestly, the substance related dynamic you are describing is almost exactly the same as me. At a young age alcohol was my first big exposure to substance use – as it usually is for many people. I got addicted really quick and never knew why. I know now that it was purely because it allows me to feel and act in a way which I never ever could. The internal satisfaction was something that made life worth it. However substances as you would know make life a living hell for everyone around that person.
        I drank myself to death – almost quite literally – i was left on life support for 6 weeks, ready to be turned off in the coming weeks if my health didn’t improve. the alcohol destroyed me internally but SOME HOW, i survived. I had to learn how to walk, talk, eat, even go to the toilet. Rehab for a year or so to get me back to normal life. It was like a second life. a second chance.

        But the hospital came with so many new medications. they put me on all these pain medications which i got addicted to real quick. Seems like your husband has done MANY of the same pills which give me the “best internal feeling”, or at least “the furthest internal feeling from the depressive feeling i usually have”. Every pill you have listed – I either take, have had issues with, or have caused many social problems for the people who live with me.
        it’s taken me soooo much mental effort to now get to a place where i do not drink. I smoke weed, and that is all. the weed does not help with the depression whatsoever, however it allows me to function better. It took a while to train myself, because at first weed just didn’t help at all. after stopping every other drug (except seroquil – its an antipsychotic thats prescribed to me), and solely relied on weed for months on end until it started to feel normal. These days i can be a lot more pleasant to be around simply because I am medicated with weed and my seroquil – however the depression is still bad and the internal urges and thoughts are still really terrible. I find the weed allows me to become a little more fun and relaxed – which helps a lot for the people around me. Call it a transfer of addiction if you will, however for my antisocial mind it helps me become better toward the people who love me.

        The things your daughter have said are most interesting to me. the not knowing which dad she will have tonight, the feeling of fear. Just a general sense of uncertainty and anxiety around this certain person. THAT is all aspd to a tee! I can see so much of myself in your husband with how you have described.

        (By the way I “liked” a post on your fb page from 2 years ago. this was 2 days ago or so. If you want to talk to me via messenger you can just check your notification and you will see that I liked a post of yours)

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      12. Thank you for caring as much as you can care! That means alot, not that you can care…..lol!!! The daughter who is 25 that I was speaking of in my last comment is my step daughter. She is not the one with Asperger’s I had refered to before. The one with Asperger’s is 10, almost 11 and is my biological daughter. My 25 year old step-daughter I raised since she was 11 full time. She moved out at 19 and just moved back in this summer after breaking up with her boyfriend of 6 years and having a one week stint in the psych hospital. She has anxiety and depression. Her biological mother (my husband’s ex) is a worthless piece of crap. She hasn’t spoken to her in 4 years unless absolutely necessary. My husband is 7 years older than me and had his kids very young. I also have a stepson who is 28 that lives 5 houses down the street from me now as of this summer as well. The whole family is back on the block. Alot of changes in my world. But my stepdaughter moving back in has been a HUGE catalyst to me seeing things through different lenses. Or rather, I have always seen things the same way, but her living here as an adult for the first time, she is now validating things that I wasn’t trusting myself on because of all the manipulating my husband was trying to pull on me. And due to my NPD dad playing all his little tricks my whole life on my self esteem and friends throughout my life also making me feel crazy, I’ve always been given reason not to trust myself. Because no one sees what goes on behind closed doors so the stuff I say makes me sound like a whack job. And then before I got on meds for my anxiety, I cried ALL the time because I just couldn’t handle all of the emotions I had to deal with. So everyone just couldn’t understand what my malfunction was because my dad is BEYOND charismatic and charming. And my husband used to be the life of the party when I first met him and everyone loved him, so I figured once again it was me who was the weird one when he started with his antics in making me feel crazy. And the only ones who would witness it were either high or drunk along with him and thinking he was hilarious or they were just as assholish as he was, or the kids when they were too young and I was their protector at that point. So now with my 25 year old stepdaughters view in here seeing what I’m seeing and having the same reaction I am and she’s voicing it out loud it only took me ONE day of her being out of the psych hospital of him first having a bout of anger and her having an anxiety attack because of that and then him getting high on Xanax that night to escape HIS problems because of HER hospitalization. He’s playing the victim in her being suicidal rather than taking care of her like I was. He turned it in to being all about him as well. It was a HUGE eye opener for me.

        All the things my step daughter voiced tonight are exactly how I have always felt about him as well. I just have never expressed it to people because it’s not that easy to walk out and end a marriage, especially with a kid involved now. And he got addicted to the oxy while I was pregnant. That’s when I realized exactly how bad things were. Me being financially independent is also an issue because I don’t make enough on my.own to support me and my daughter and I’d have to be able to get alimony from him probably in addition to child support. Even though our daughter is getting to the age to stay home alone, the hours where I could get the most work would mean leaving her home alone all the time and I can’t do that. So I can’t make the optimum amount of money right now in my field. So I feel very trapped which is why I haven’t left yet. Since the beginning of this summer I’ve been taking steps though to try to save money on the side and opened a credit card only in my name so I’m ready.

        I want to be able to be there for him if he’s willing to get off the drugs, but that’s where so much of the manipulation and lying is coming in right now. And if/when I do leave him, I do care about him and I have children with him (my step children are still my children) so he will always be a part of my life. Your story shows too how much the drugs and alcohol screw up your life. Even when they are giving him that false sense of normalcy he has been seeking his whole life. Your story of what happened while you were drinking is HORRIFYING! I can’t even imagine having to go through all that and being on life support and everything. How old were you when that happened? (I’m such an empath it hurt me to read that story, physically, because I felt so badly for you, even though it was your own doing. Perhaps because you remind me of my husband and his struggles).

        And yes, I know you liked one of my posts on my FB novel page. That was why I said something about you living in Australia. Like I said, I could be a private investigator if I wanted to be. Not that it took that much intellect for that one, but I don’t miss a beat after the masterminds I’ve lived with. But they met their match in me. Usually it’s only another cluster b that could see through cluster b manipulations and head games the way I do probably. They both don’t know what to do with me because theyre not used to people seeing through their bullshit. Does anyone ever see through the manipulations and head games you play? Does anyone ever call you out on some of those kinds of things? If they do, I’m curious what your reactions (short and long term) are when they do. I probably won’t use FB messenger bc I don’t trust that my husband won’t go on there to check on me and if I don’t check it quick enough I dont want him seeing any of our conversations. That would be end game right there and I need end game to be on my terms when I’m ready. That fb page is attached to my regular fb account. This is all routed through a secret email account and has passwords he doesn’t know. He’s smart but not as smart as me. I only get on here through the incognito browser on my phone and the email account only from my phone so it’s not signed in on any of our other shared devices. And he doesn’t know the passcode to my phone. If he does ever somehow find this, I have been preparing for leaving anyway, so it won’t devastate me. But I’m not going to make it easy for him to find out….

        December 21. Lol! When’s yours?

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      13. Feb 20. You’ll be sure to receive a happy birthday from the future on December 20th 😉

        Your husband and I seem so extremely similar. Also, I think I’ve wrapped my head around your extensive family tree! ha. That’s quite an interesting life you have there it seems. And it seems that you are currently going through many changes. I believe this step daughter may be one of the best things that will happen to you in terms of getting through this. Simply having someone validating you would be absolutely mind-bending for you right now, right? I understand how people like me work. I understand how we can make ourselves appear so charismatic and charming, fun, outgoing and caring. Such amazing people right? The thing is we will never ever admit this to you. We barely admit it to ourselves. It’s all well crafted though. You would have been made to feel crazy, because everyone else see such pure and genuine people in them. The fact that you can see through us is amazing. I’ve actually never ever had anyone discover me in my entire life. I’ve manmipulated and toyed with almost everyone and everything that loves me – to extreme levels. However no one ever knows. No one has ever known. It’s always been the perfect crime. I don’t mean to sound boasty at all by the way, i’m simply being analytic about my behaviour 🙂 I think i’m just really good at what I do – so good that I myself did not even notice how cruel, manipulative, deceitful, and mean I can be. I can make almost anything feel like other people’s own original ideas. The manipulative ability within me is quite strong, I feel.

        You mentioned that he gets sloppy at times with the lying or deceit. I can relate – because sometimes I get sloppy too. and its purely because I seem to not care. It’s almost as if he KNOWS you seeing this side of him from time to time is NOT enough for you to expose him, so he doesn’t care too much. But if you ever try confront him on any of it be prepared! you mentioned that he is clever but sometimes he doesn’t use it – i believe the antisocial brain purposely doesn’t care sometimes, because even if you DO know him for what he is, you can never prove it. Or at least you can’t prove it to EVERYONE else.

        I wonder if you would be able to see through my act? haha. I try my best to be a good person though – my struggle is centred around being good vs being myself vs life-long depression.

        Your step daughter, so your husband is her real daughter? Do you think she has the antisocial gene. Females present quite differently. Less angry. But also there’s issues with depression, anxiety, ocd at times, and emotional regulation. I feel aspd runs through so much of my family but no one else knows it.
        Her depression and anxiety issues seem similar to mine too, in some ways.

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      14. Feb 20. Lol….My adoptive mom is Feb 21 (and the day I came home with them), My step daughter is Feb 22 and my Uncle (adoptive dad’s brother-who has played in to all kinds of my dad’s bullshit games too to make my life hell) and my husband’s ex wife (stepkids worthless mother) is Feb 23…

        It doesn’t surprise me that no one has caught on to you. No one caught on to my Dad until me. Some picked up on his gayness (different story for a different post) and some would call him a narcissist, but no one knows exactly how deep it goes other than me. I’m the only one who has flat out stood up to my dad in the manner that I do (which is still not as much as I should), but I have called him a narcissist and other things like manipulative or something of that nature. I’ve told him all about himself. I have also confronted my husband as well from time to time or let him know in passive aggressive ways that I’m on to something. He hasn’t been able to deny some of the stuff I’ve confronted him on, but other things he has tried to make me feel crazy on because it’s unprovable like you said. When he does get caught and can’t deny it, he will briefly clean up his act and gloss it all over but then I see right on through his brewing scheme just as soon as he starts getting above board. And it honestly makes me so goddamned angry that he either thinks he’s that much smarter than me to keep pulling the wool over my eye eyes or that he thinks I’m that stupid. But because I’m emotional that’s how it gets turned against me and because I can’t prove a scheme that isn’t carried out. But I just sometimes want him to know just exactly how aware I am of every little thought process he has and the double entendre behind it.

        Hilariously enough, my stepdaughter tells me today how he asked her yesterday if she had watched the show Dexter, which apparently he just started watching. I don’t know if you get that show over there, but it’s about a sociopathic murderer who kills murderers. And isn’t it ironic, don’t you think?

        My extended family gets even nuttier than what I even just divulged, but I’ll spare you any further craziness…at least for now…hahahaha.

        My step daughter being here this summer and me getting validation for the first time and having an adult seeing things from the inside for the first time in my 40 year old life and telling me what I’m seeing and feeling is EXACTLY correct is just what the proverbial psychiatrist ordered. Especially when that validation comes from the same person whose vocabulary paper I found when she was about 13 who used me in a sentence for her vocabulary words “exaggerate”. Where she said, “My step-mother often exaggerates her stories and makes things up for attention.” So she used to be one of the ones who everyone had also convinced that I was crazy. Her wacko mother also had a lot to do with that at the time, but still. She saw the truth on her own and is now defending me and seeing things from my perspective on her own and she’s the only one in therapy right now. But it’s not because she’s crazy, it’s just to manage her anxiety and depression. She doesn’t have any of the aspd traits. She and I had a lot of issues when she was a teenager but not for the past 4 years. She’s made a TON of progress since she started therapy which tells me that she has escaped the most negative aspects of both of her biological parents most severe mental illnesses. Yes, she is my husband’s biological daughter. Her bio mother was also technically diagnosed as bipolar but there’s no doubt in my mind that she has some sort of pervasive personality disorder as well because her mother is also a street drug user, doesn’t work, doesn’t drive, never had custody of the kids, total whore, never paid child support, pathological liar, manipulative as hell as well, the list could go on forever….It’s quite stellar their 2 kids turned out as functional and mentally sane as they did.

        Yes, I do have mad stalker skills. It’s not because I’m a creeper. It’s because I had to learn to be that way in order to survive mentally to know what the hell was going on in my world and why I was being treated the way I was, why people acted the way they did, why things were off. I found out quickly when you go digging you find out the truth. And then it became a habit and how I find out all my knowledge. As you said, knowledge is power! Even if it makes me seem like a creepy stalker, at least I know my surroundings! Lol.

        I like the background info on how you came up with your alias. Though the story behind it totally sucks. The machine is completely amazing. I don’t know that much about medical technology and I don’t know whether we have that here or not. I’ll have to look in to that tomorrow. Just about bedtime for me. It’s so great that you are taking this second chance at life though and doing something good with it and trying to do further research in to this field. Even though you falter due to aspd and you are plagued with these struggles every day, you are trying every day to make a difference for the better and I find that amazing. Just the fact that you are sitting here and taking the time to converse with me and help me is meaningful and all of this is the reason you were given a second chance at life and you aren’t wasting it and I commend you for that…

        After reading your post about practicing your smiles and facial expressions and how you hate taking pictures, it was very interesting that I came across a picture someone posted to my husband’s timeline from his elementary school tonight and he had the most blank stare and empty look in his eyes from when he was about 8 in a class picture. Cold as ice. And while he does that serious type of look as an adult and I’ve always known he does the serious look in posed pictures, he was even doing it as a kid, which I would think would also be a bit of an indication as well. And from seeing on your profile the couple of pictures that are public that I can see, he has that same exact type of look on his face as you do in many pictures. And in the ones where he does try to smile it is usually a pretty forced and awkward looking smile. And yet he always comments on how mine looks fake alot of times. Perhaps it’s to take the attention off of his.

        With your high intellect I completely believe that you are probably pretty skilled at the manipulation and being able to hide it. It’s funny that you posed that question about wondering whether I would be able to see through your game or not. While I am betting you will probably be able to continue tricking most, I would bet that I’d be your outlier on that one. I’m not saying it’s because I’m necessarily smarter than you or anything. It’s just that I’ve had so many years of experience now in playing this game that I think I distrust people so much now that I think so many things people in general do are head games that I am always suspicious anyway and at the slightest scent of something not adding up I’m on it like a hound dog. I honestly thought you liked the one thing on my books fb page to purposely mess with me to see if I would mention it and see if I caught on since I kept boasting about being so good at seeing through everything. I was going to say something as soon as you did it and then decided not to. And then when you said something about the time zones I then thought you were purposely provoking it out of me so that’s why I said something then. So that’s where my mind goes and how I start trying to read people, to give you a clue in to my counter mind manipulation games. Lol!!!!

        Ok…now that I’ve written my piece of the novel for the night, need to rest my brain for tomorrow’s round of head games with my husband and to gear up because daddy’s in town to celebrate his birthday so I get the added pleasure of seeing him in a couple of days too, and he started crap with me last Monday when I called him for his birthday, so god only knows what this weekend will bring…have to be mentally strong so I can be sharp witted for the next couple days…..hahahahaha

        Like

      15. I’ll reply to everything later. For now just know . . . you are right about the whole fb game I played lol. Sometimes I just like to have harmless fun with stuff like that….. I am extremely intrigued now that I have witnessed how intune you actually are. wow. I need to think about all this and get back to you before you wake up! haha

        I still think I can outsmart you :p But hey I guess I’m just competitive.

        goodnight.

        Like

      16. God damn you actually nailed that description of what I did with the fb thing. im mind blown haha.

        Just know I don’t do it in a malicious way. I like to test people for fun. antisocial minds get sooooo bored, and I just like to know more about people. I like to know how people really are.

        Well played 🙂 LOL

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      17. Well wow look at that line-up of dates! You can now add my feb 20 to those dates.
        “…and 20th of feb is my friend ekmo’s birthday, he’s a sociopath who I talk to online that knows all about my life :)” something like that, right? haha.

        It must commend you for being able to stand up to these two men as much as you have. The fact that no one else sees what you see, and also that you are made to look crazy for it would take quite a toll on you I imagine. And you’re emotional too, which sucks because that has nothing to do with your analysis on both these men, yet that emotional side of you is exploited to make you seen silly and crazy for thinking or pointing out such things. I can also imagine all that would make you quite confused and doubtful at times. You’d always feel as if what you believe MAY possibly be crazy. They make you question yourself and you have no way of supporting your claims – I know that would create much internal frustration. I can imagine it would make you want to just scream at times. Again, this is why it is now so great that you have this step daughter.

        The fact that she wrote that about you at a young age, and now sees the truth on her own both highlight important things.

        1. that you have clearly been treated very unfairly throughout the years, and you have been unfairly judged based on how others have made you out to look in the public eye.

        2. Your daughter is able to sense people like her father just like you can. whether to the degree of which you can or not is uncertain, but clearly she has come to the same conclusion on her own – that says a lot! it means that she can see beyond the bullshit, and also the fact that two INDEPENDENT minds have come to the same conclusion. Even this step daughter, who was tricked into seeing you for someone who you truly were not/ never have been. The fact that she can see what you see is truly validation – something im sure you have been seeking for so long.

        HA! that’s hilarious – and of course I know dexter! I first saw that show at age 19 or 20, and at the time I did not know why dexter felt so much like me. Even the murder stuff he did really excited me and made me.. crave something. It was scary and that’s something I try not to explore too much. I definitely think there’s a serial killer in me somewhere. just hanging around, ya know? lol. back to the point though. I love that he is watching the show hahaha!

        I have mad stalker skills too. I stalk absolutely everyone and everything. I haven’t tried with you yet. But I will. I think I do it out of pure interest. I have an extremely curious mind. I like to test things, play games, entertain myself, search for the truth. That’s why I was doing that thing on fb with you – I think it was just me entertaining myself and playing a little game. sometimes i feel my aspd mind is like an innocent child just wanting to have fun. Then I remember all the horrible thoughts that also come along with the whole gag.

        I’m glad you think I am a good hearted person. I try to be. Sometimes I get lazy with it. Sometimes i purposely give in to temptations. it takes a lot of effort to try be good. It’s like a reflex to be bad, but it takes so much focus to be good. it’s a life long battle 🙂 but thanks for your kind words.

        the fact that he tries to shift focus like that (about the photos) is something i used to do. I used to hate people pointing it out because it was almost like this “give away” of who I am inside. It kind of showed the cracks in the pavement. I would get reallt angry at times if someone pointed it out. I would usually try shift focus. But yes if you see even more photos of me ever, you will notice I am . . . dead. Oh i’m so glad you got a good look at my photos, now I can feel more self conscious about them :p luckily I don’t feel emotions, so no damage done. simple mental self consciousness :p haha

        I’m not sure how it all works with others, but for me I can see other antisocials from a mile away. I know many antisocials who are very good at what they do. Some are friends, some are people I dislike. Some are just people I know. Some are celebrities which I admire. But none of these people know that I know. Because I don’t think most of them even know themselves. I don’t think there’s many antisocials out there who actually know what they are. But oh man once I notice a friend or someone I know to be an antisocial, it becomes so so obvious. it’s like a sense. I think we all just . . . know. But most times we can’t explain. Most times we don’t know how to explain. My psych knowledge and way of thinking allows me to know how to properly support my claims in an organised manner which makes a lot of sense. i think you have this sense. I think you’ve some how learnt how to see it because of direct exposure – which is truly fascinating. I always thought we could only just notice each other. it’s like a normal person has stepped through the invisible wall. like “yo, I can see you all back there bro”.

        I think if we had never met through here, I could outsmart your little psychopath detector ;p but I guess we’ll never know – its important never to underestimate anyone. That’s something us antisocials need to be more aware of. We are very smart, but we take for granted that normal people can’t see us for what we are – which is true usually. So we get lazy. Too lazy. And then when someone like you comes along BAM. game over, right?

        I’ll be here to support you throughout his visit. the next few days will be tough to say the least, right?

        I must see this novel some day.

        Sweetdreams 🙂

        Like

      18. Will be out for a while today and will respond in depth later. But thank you for validation on my perception!!! 😁😁😁 That really helps more than you know! Hahaha. Told you I had an insiders look into the brains of cluster B’s. I’m as close as you can get without being one….lol….game set match. Checkmate…..mwahahahahaha!!!!
        More later……..🙄🤗😉

        Like

      19. So let me ask you. Is it a lazy thing like you’re saying or is it when someone makes note of or acknowledges something good that you do that you feel like you achieved something and then that’s when the act starts to drop or you change tactics? I just noticed a difference in these last responses after I said something about thinking you were doing a good thing. And that’s also something I always didn’t understand about my husband as well. Its like as soon as I mention he’s doing a good job staying sober he thinks he achieved what he was after and shortly after that is when he falls off the wagon. And your last responses seemed a bit darker. Or am I triggering that by being able to see through the fb game? I don’t want to play any head games, I was just trying to point out that I wasn’t kidding when I said I could see through them and play their games back to them. And I was just joking in my last post this morning, was not trying to provoke any kind of competition or anything. I have more than enough of that to deal with in my life to deal with on a daily basis. I do appreciate you validating that I am en pointe because that does really help me with my confidence in standing my ground as I need to moving forward with my clusters. My stepdaughter has and will also continue to be a huge confidence builder for me as well, as you pointed out as well.

        It has been extremely frustrating being an empath and having to manage that along with standing in my power when I need to so that I don’t come across as living in fear of them or then they would think they could control me me entirely. I know that they’re both scared of me and what my potential is which is why they keep changing tactics frequently and zoning in on me because they are afraid that if I truly gain complete self confidence that I can be their complete downfall and expose them for every little thing they’re ashamed of. So they keep trying to exploit my emotional side to keep me under wraps and they both know they’re losing grip pretty quickly.

        So…do you think all sociopaths have a penchant for killing? Because that part I don’t see in my husband. Why exactly do you love that he is watching Dexter?

        It’s interesting you can spot an antisocial a mile away. I don’t know that it’s a trait they all have though. I think that’s unique to you. Because if they can’t recognize/admit themselves, they can’t recognize others. Just my opinion.

        Like

      20. I don’t think it’s a lazy thing. I think it’s a “achieving for the bare minimum because I’m not really fully invested in wanting to change or be a better person”. And that being said, I think it’s just very very difficult to change. Having a sociopath try change their ways or be better is difficult for me, because at the end of the day no matter how great I overtly act and try avoid bad things – I will still feel just as shit on the inside – probably worse if I’m trying hard to resist my temptations.

        The thing is for people like me it really just feels like “well no matter if I ‘change’ or not, I’m still going to be going through this internal struggle, so why even change? I’m ONLY doing it for other people, it will only make my life worse”.
        and that is when the manipulation/tactics come in to it. I think that’s when we subconsciously just do enough for others to feel a little more okay, but in all honesty we aren’t too invested in the change. It’s like we know that our situation won’t change so we just make others see little changes here and there if we need them to see that.

        When I say lazy I more mean that the antisocial doesn’t really care either way. Our care for anything is just non-existent. Imagine that? imagine not being able to attach any form of care of worry or . . . anything – to the task you want to achieve. It literally means you have no internal drives to be productive – you’re only really trying too fuel your urges and honestly just trying to get by and be as “”happy” as possible. It comes across as lazy because that’s what people see from the outside. Every normal person has all these internal drivers which allow them to feel motivated and driven to get things done. Not only this – these drives fuel a lot of empathetic acts,

        Oh and do not stress lol. Honestly the fb thing was something I only thought about for 3 or 4 seconds when I did it. It wasn’t some grand plan with any form of negative or positive intent. Honestly my brain just enjoys experimenting. I was interested in your fb page so I went on the check it out. After I was done I simply thought “hah, what if i like her post from 2 years ago – it’ll be like she knows my true identity without ever making the connection to “ekmo”. I didn’t think twice about it. I think my “antisocialness” gets bored. Because I try so damn hard to be a good person, and all these manipulative or cruel ideas and urges just kind of build up. So then my brain likes to entertain itself by doing silly little meaningless things such as the fb thing. I think that’s a good thing – because this way I’m somewhat entertained over silly little trivail day-to-day shenanigans rather than destroying lives 🙂 haha

        My last 2 posts were somewhat inspired by you though, I will admit. I’ll explain,

        With this whole blog, I wanted to really show how the antisocial brain works – the good, the bad, and the interestingly fucked up stuff. 1. I do not feel so far that people have a good grasp on the truly evil side of it, and so I had been planning to write more about all the “bad” stuff. Since starting this blog, I’ve had maybe 2 or 3 people talk to me quite indepth – such as you. And all three really highlighted my good qualities and how “great” I am. Which is awesome. But after you complimented me a couple days ago I started to think more about what to write next – and I wanted to focus on more of the negatives. it’s actually interesting you brought this up though – because now you have me really thinking! Interestingly, if im being honest, I think for some reason I wanted people to read the darker stuff about me. I’m not fully sure why though. I’m sure a lot of the reason is because I want everyone to understand the good and the bad, but I think there’s something more. I wanted you and others to know about the darker side, for some reason. Please don’t hesitate to give your opinion on all this! I very much enjoy researching my own mind in this manner. It seems you (and no one else I have ever meet so far) – are very good at questioning my in the right ways. Most antisocials would absolutely hate what you are doing right now haha. I can see it not sitting well with almost all of them. But I just want you to know that I’m not angered or annoyed or anything really, by your questions. I am thoroughly enjoying this open dialog. I want you to know all my flaws because knowing how my brain is “thinking” will also help you understand this stuff too!

        I can see why you feel that you have to stand your ground. It feels like this constant untalked about war. Like some twisted game every one is a part of and no one really points out the obvious ridiculousness about it all. Keep standing your ground 🙂 Something about the antisocial becomes fearful of people like you – I think that will play to your advantage a lot as it has been in the past.

        I think all antisocials are capable of murder, rape – all the bad stuff. BUT it takes an extremely harsh environment for people like me to result in a psychopath. And even though I have had mostly positive upbringing – I have had some quite bad stuff happen to me in my childhood. I can sense all the inner evil inside of me. It’s like the worst of the worst is still inside of me – inside all antisocials – but we get trained and shaped by society and the environment. See it’s because we cannot act on these raw urges that we convert to manipulation and tactical game-play. it’s like no matter what the environment does – the inner evil will surface is SOME way. Sometimes I almost feel glad that I am a cruel and manipulative human, because I think if my environment hadn’t shaped to me to be this way – I could have turned out much much worse. Every now and them things like anger or sexual arousal make me feel and think or have urges which are truly horrific – so i definitely know its all deep inside of me somewhere.

        Hm, you’re right! So right. I think sometimes i get confused between my personal experience with aspd and the regular antisocial. perhaps im a rarity when it comes to being able to identify myself and other antisocials.

        Like

      21. So yes, I was in hospital aged 22 I believe. This was all about 4 years ago now. It’s not that long ago actually haha. I was in an awful state. My entire body had deteriorated. They put me on a life saving machine which was new at the time. Australia only had about 3 or 4 of these machines at the time. I was put on an emergency request list for this machine. My organs were all failing. pancreas had eaten itself up and my liver had swelled to 12 times its size, kidneys were failing. and then my lungs and heart started to go.

        This machine is amazing. – they stick two tubes into your main arteries – they drain blood into a machine, remove the toxins, oxygenate the blood, then feed the blood back into the body via the second tube. The technology was revolutionary at the time. I was able to go on the machine and so I was rushed to our biggest hospital here in Melbourne. They shut down my lungs and heart and let the machine take over. It allowed all my organs to recover while the machine kept me functioning – pretty much while dead in every other sense.

        This machine is called an extracorporeal membrane oxygenation machine, or (ECMO machine)

        ECMO . . .

        EKMO 🙂

        Like

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